Joined: Oct 04, 2004 Posts: 5438 Location: Oklahoma
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 10:37 am Post subject: Grief
In the past 14 months I have lost my father, my sister, my love, my baby, and all hope for my marriage. The planet is sick, maybe dying. My youth is fading. I have been unable to avoid industrializing my beautiful son, being myself wholly industrialized from birth, and living in a wholly industrialized nation. I am feeling intense grief over all these losses. I live in a place where it's very difficult to find people I can connect with, and circumstances, particularly my expectations about future events outside my control, preclude moving. My mother is here, but due to past family events I am unable to lean on her for certain kinds of support. I am caring for a young child, goats, a guard dog, chickens, plants and trees, and several housepets, and all of them take more than they give emotionally (especially the child). Yet all of them are necessary. It's hard to have much hope for the future in light of the geopolitical and economic circumstances. I'm lonely, and the weight of this grief is almost unbearable at times. Please help me find the strength to carry on.
PS - Anti-self-pity parables about men with no feet, and tough love tactics, are not necessary. I'm quite capable of that approach on my own, thanks. _________________ "Every junkie's like a setting sun..." - Neil Young
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 10:53 am Post subject: Re: Grief
I suspect that your loneliness is compounding your grief.
My wife lost her mother and our daughter four years ago, after she had already lost her brother and father too early.
Our world fell apart. I'm still not sure how we managed to stay together. A rather insensitive colleague told me at the time that 75% of couples split up after losing a child. I guess I bloody-mindedly tried to avoid becoming a statistic.
Your grief will fade. Of course you won't forget, but things will become more bearable. The wisdom of life is unfortunately hard earned.
If you have any old friends you can invite round for an extended stay, it may help. I think you need to ensure you maintain or improve your social life. If anything comes of it, great. If not, at least it will help you think of other things for a while. _________________ All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become. - Buddha
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 10:55 am Post subject: Re: Grief
Small moves.
I have learned to walk twice in my life, (so far <gasp>), one which I don't recall... & I discovered a basic truth about my world & myself.
If I break it down to small enough chunks, I can accomplish almost anything.
Sometimes it was as pathetic as making it through the next 15 minutes... or retrieving a cup from a cupboard out of my reach. Other times facing loss and pain so big I could not contain them... So I didn't. Just one tiny piece at a time.
Small moves.
Another thing I discovered, is that if I pretend I'm something long enough... I eventually forget I'm pretending .
The first day it's just a silly lie.
Same thing next day.
And the next & so on.
Until one day after many repetitions of the lie, I'm surprised to discover it isn't a lie at all.
So just start pretending that what you want is already true.
Before you know it... it will be true.
After all... what is a brain surgeon?
Somebody who said to themselves one day... "I'm gonna be a brain surgeon." Then they proceed to read about brains... chop up old dead brains, watch others chop on live brains, all while pretending they are skilled brain surgeons.
Until one day... they are skilled brain surgeons.
(Oh yeah... and I have no feet!) _________________ "When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F Roberts.
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:06 am Post subject: Re: Grief
I don't know that anything can be said when faced with losses of that magnitude.
I only know this, only that which we value can cause us suffering, children, parents, and others that we love. I don;t know that it is any solace but it seems that you are suffering for the loss of the right things.
As long as their are people experiencing the right kind of suffering than there are people who have value what is truly good, and not the things sold to us by madison avenue.
This gives me hope. _________________ Nature is complete because it does not serve itself.
The sage places himself after and finds himself before,
Ignores his desire and finds himself content.
He is complete because he does not serve himself. -Lao Tze
Joined: Jun 05, 2005 Posts: 357 Location: Portland Oregon, USA
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:06 am Post subject: Re: Grief
I agree that having children makes all this Peak Oil, geopolitical meltdown stuff all the more depressing. I feel so many conflicting emotions: pride that my kids are PO aware and understand at a rudimentary level about depletion and scarcity; guilt that they will live in the world that's coming; hope because the world will need good people like them; disappointment because of previous generations' failures. In many ways, just enjoying them and our time together while they are young can be a great salve to the chancres of current events. At the same time, kids are a LOT of work and take all you can give...and then some.
Joined: Oct 04, 2004 Posts: 5438 Location: Oklahoma
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:10 am Post subject: Re: Grief
MD wrote:
Short on words, high on love energies coming your way.
Thanks, that's what I'm looking for.
davep, re social life - OMG don't I know it. I've tried, but like I said it's tough around here - very tough. Plus my obligations tie me down a LOT.
Aaron that "fake it 'til you make it" thing is real big in 12 step circles.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It helps to share and be listened to, even virtually. _________________ "Every junkie's like a setting sun..." - Neil Young
Joined: Mar 26, 2005 Posts: 3787 Location: over here
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:13 am Post subject: Re: Grief
Sounds like you had a very rough time Shanny, especially if you feel there's no one around to "lean on" a bit in what sounds like the most unfortunate year anyone could have I also think you're tough one, which is good for making yourself carry on, but maybe a disadvantage when confronting the grief itself. Time is probably the most important factor when it comes to taking the edge of the pain, but then again don't stop and wait for it, it might take quite long.
I guess what's important, and what you're doing now is that you acknowledge for yourself you're probably at the deepest low of your life, and that you also get outside acknowledgement of that. It sounds a bit like you've been running ahead of everything that has happened to you lately and it now is catching up with tough you? I guess I might be wrong; I don't know you that well. I hope this helps a little bit though, despite that some of those things might sound very cliche to you _________________ "The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time."
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:08 pm Post subject: Re: Grief
Shanny, If it's any consolation, remember, things can turn around so fast, it can be astonishing. I think you're in your mid to late thirties, so you're acutely aware of any change in your appearance, but believe me, it's hard to get perspective on that.
When I was your age, I was in similar circumstances. I hadn't suffered the same loss of family, but was trapped and impoverished due to a long term disability. As far as I could see, at that point, my life stretched on to death in a predictable pattern of meaningless emptiness, and lonliness.
Most of my friends lived far away, were preoccupied with their own lives, and lost interest in me, when I could no longer keep up physically. I had no children and no hope of ever having them, which was a blessing, but also carried with it the quiet curse of subtracting potential meaning and substance. On days I was physically well enough to get up, I could function for about an hour, then would have to sit and rest for the rest of the day.
Afer several months of this, I began to feel despair and an accompanying dread that the despair wouldn't lift. So I did the only thing an agnostic could do, I said out loud to "whatever" that, if "they" were there, I needed any kind of help, they/he/she/it, could manage, even if it was just a two week vacation from feeling so physically lousy.
My life changed from that day onward. It may be purely coincidental, but I have to think after 37 years of difficulty there was likely more to it. The why's and wherefore's are lost on me. It doesn't make any sense to my rational mind, but there it is. I can PM you with more if you'd like to hear it. I'm far from a Come to Jesus type, believe me
Joined: Nov 25, 2006 Posts: 1462 Location: Columbia, South Carolina
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:51 pm Post subject: Re: Grief
Well, I don't have any platitudes for you, nor can I (nor anyone) ever relate completely to your struggle (but certainly bits & pieces, I lost my best friend three years ago and have been somewhat estranged from my own folks for over a dozen years) but good luck & "God" (fortune, fate, the universe, whatever) bless. _________________ My PO Amazon store (shameless plug).
Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 1:06 pm Post subject: Re: Grief
Shannymara wrote:
I have been unable to avoid industrializing my beautiful son, being myself wholly industrialized from birth, and living in a wholly industrialized nation.
Perhaps you wish to live until you see and experience the end of it (means end of industrial/cornucopian era but not an end of nation...).
That may be worth an effort.
Quote:
I am caring for a young child, goats, a guard dog, chickens, plants and trees, and several housepets, and all of them take more than they give emotionally (especially the child).
That is very good, kind of simple life. Most of peoples from your country cannot afford it. You should consider yourself very lucky in that context.
Quote:
It's hard to have much hope for the future in light of the geopolitical and economic circumstances.
Try to look on developing events from perspective of an observer.
I guess, you are debt free and reasonably well off and that put you well ahead of most of Americans.
You are in pretty good setting to become an observer. Unfolding show even if quite sad, can also be entertaining.
Quote:
I'm lonely, and the weight of this grief is almost unbearable at times. Please help me find the strength to carry on.
You are not lonely at all.
You have your child, goats, guard dog...
All of them love you and need you very much.
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I also think you're tough one, which is good for making yourself carry on, but maybe a disadvantage when confronting the grief itself. Time is probably the most important factor when it comes to taking the edge of the pain, but then again don't stop and wait for it, it might take quite long.
