[aldente]

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of the strong possibility you are about to elect an elderly
gentleman with a bad temper and a lady who thinks she can run foreign
policy because she can see Russia from her house as President and
President-In-Waiting of the USA and thus to risk Life As We Know It for
everyone else on the Planet, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which
she does not fancy). She won't actually be in charge, but she'll greet
foreign leaders as necessary and not put her foot in it or vomit on
anyone at a state dinner.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. You aren't very good at
elections, and unlike the ATM's from the same manufacturer, your voting
machines don't give receipts. So Prime Minister Brown will instead
choose someone who does not have his or her hand in the till and has
significant experience in running Big Things. You have not had one of
those for almost a decade and trust me, it is a big plus. And there
won't be any of that hanging chad nonsense and the three hour wait for
voting while poor or black.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. They have given away too much
of your money already to rescue incompetent business executives and soon
your American Dollars will resemble Zimbabwean Dollars in total
worthlessness. There is no free lunch you know. Although we originally
let you get away with secession because King George was robbing you
blind, recent events demonstrate that your present leaders are doing
much worse things and unfortunately you have not noticed.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether more
than half of you still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11.
Information to the contrary will again be provided by the rest of the
world and we request you read it this time and refrain from invading the
wrong country ever again if you possibly can.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and
"neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary").

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn
your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. But we have a lot
of Bank Holidays you will enjoy instead. In our country we still have
several banks.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline), roughly $9 per US gallon. Get used to it. Your
driving armoured cars to buy groceries is unnecessary, boorish and
killing the planet.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. And the term
Freedom Fries will not be used in future. Lets remember the French were
right and you were wrong, though it pains me to say so.

11. We will require that people running things, like your government,
are at least moderately competent and not related by blood or bribes to
those who benefit from their decisions. We know it makes you more cozy
when your leaders know as little as you do, but, honestly, it is short
sighted: you need doctors who know more about medicine, pilots who know
more about flying and leaders who know more about leading.

12. We respectfully request you give up this notion that Politics is
Entertainment, and that very complicated things have to be explained to
you in less than fifteen seconds. If you wanted to have a democracy,
honestly, you really should have taken the time to understand things a
bit before you voted. May I suggest the startling notion that
politicians don't need to look good to do a good job? And it really is
acceptable if they are a bit boring, so long as they do their homework.
It's especially important as evidently you have not done yours. Poor old
Al Gore and John Kerry. And by the way, are you happy now that you chose
a Governor for California based on his teeth?

13. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth -- see
what it did for them.

14. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

15. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.

16. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first in their
country. The seven out of ten who don't own a passport will need to get
one first.

17. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

18. An Internal Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776). Although this will raise your taxes,
remember that the Neoconservatives will no longer be robbing you blind
and so your Dollars will stop shrinking. Didn't you know that inflation
and government bailouts of huge companies were really paid for by you?
We must do something about your educational system. What on earth is
going on over there? Are you oblivious to the crushing debt you are
leaving your children? You might as well throttle them now.

19. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God Save the Queen. At least God won't instruct your President to invade
any more wrong countries.

Adapted from John Cleese.

[basil_hayden]

http://www.peakoil.com/fortopic45353.html

You may want to stick to unintelligible picture posts.

[Fishman]

Ah, why we fought for our independence in the first place.
Thanks "all bent". I feel like Jefferson listening to your drivel.

[jlw61]

This joke has run its course. Put it away for another 4-8 years.

[coyote]

Pretty avatar, though.

[Nickel]

Ah, why we fought for our independence in the first place.
Thanks "all bent". I feel like Jefferson listening to your drivel.

Playin' pattycake with your slaves, are you...?