[steam_cannon]

My sister died this weekend, I'm starting this thread to let you all know what I am dealing with and get people thinking about how to prepare themselves and their loved ones for facing death in a healthy and adult manner.

My sister died in our arms after a long struggle with lung cancer. She was 37 and she never smoked. She just had some bad luck. She lived a life full of joy and as an inspiration to others both intellectually and though a very active life. She was able to die at home which gave her a great deal of comfort. And as sad these days have been for myself and family, she was a person who wanted us to celebrate her life and memories. And that we do the same for ourselves, wishing us to remember the good times. To move forward with our lives taking care of each other. She even suggested people wear Hawaiian shirts at her funeral. She didn't want to die, but her positive thoughts about moving forward is helping my family and made this a little less painful.

In the years ahead of us, all of us we eventually have to face death and loss many times. Even without the challenges of peak oil, the economy and environment challenges that humanity is facing, death is something we will all have to face and hopefully face well. Below are some resources related to dealing with death. Please post any thoughts, resources or your own experiences.

Related articles for adults:
Coping with Grief and Loss
Dealing With Death Quotes
Coping with Sudden Death

Related articles for children:
Helping Your Child Deal With Death
Let it go, let it out
Dealing with Death, funerals and Memorials

[Outcast_Searcher]

That's terrible Steam. I'm so sorry. It's never fair, but at that age it seems especially tragic. At least with, say, and elderly declining parent, it is a "normal" thing.

As one who lost his three closest loved ones within three years, and was their primary caretaker and dealt with all the complex issues of "legal clean-up" following their deaths while taking care of others -- I know from personal experience that one simply cannot comprehend the devastation of such a loss until one has endured it.

The only consolation I can offer is:

a). That time does help put things into perspective, and all the memories, good and bad, of the loved one will continue to provide intense meaning, when you take the time and effort (and possibly pain) to deeply remember. In my humble opinion, you can emerge from the experience with a lot more empathy.

b). That the other side of the coin -- sudden unexpected death -- omits the horrors of physical suffering for them (and you), but can leave those left behind significant emotional voids which are stunning and long lasting. If you truly cared about the person, there is no easy way to deal with this aspect of life.

[steam_cannon]

a). That time does help put things into perspective, and all the memories, good and bad, of the loved one will continue to provide intense meaning, when you take the time and effort (and possibly pain) to deeply remember. In my humble opinion, you can emerge from the experience with a lot more empathy.

b). That the other side of the coin -- sudden unexpected death -- omits the horrors of physical suffering for them (and you), but can leave those left behind significant emotional voids which are stunning and long lasting. If you truly cared about the person, there is no easy way to deal with this aspect of life.

Thank you for your consolements and thoughts. Death can be a real perspective changer and definitely leave voids. I think her wish for us to be happy has helped the most so far, so I'll add a "C." to that list.

c. Preparing your loved ones, wish for them to still find happiness, letting your loved ones know you want them to take care of each other and to celebrate the good times in life that were.

[vision-master]

Had to put down my 12 year old lab last feb....... it was hard. Got a new pooch within two weeks.... lsol

[Quinny]

Sorry for your loss Steam.

[ritter]

Steam,

I can't imagine the pain of losing my sister. I wish you the best in finding peace.

[vision-master]

Sister passed on suddeny in Feb @ 67, we used to talk almost everyday about everything and anything.

[Ferretlover]

I understand what you are saying, Steam. My youngest sister died in 2007 of lung cancer. She went through all the chemo and meds she could talk the doctors into giving her, but, she was in fourth stage when it was finally diagnosed.
She did not want to die either; her second grandchild had just been born two months earlier and she was worried about her children , of whom she'd always been very protective.
She died three days after my last flight down to visit her in Austin.
One's relationship in life with someone very much affects how one will deal with them.
Strange, but this is true with beloved pets, too.

I am sorry for your loss.

[Rod_Cloutier]

NDE testimony- one of the best I've seen- very comforting:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-AXSHLZ ... ure=relmfu

[SeaGypsy]

My dad died from heavy metal poisoning through glass blowing, aged 56. Took 6 years from getting unwell to being buried, a long and agonizing battle. He had married a second time in his 40's and his children ranged from 7 to 34 at the time. The worst was his 7 year old son's utter devastation at not having a dad anymore. His marriage ended under the strain of full on pain and medical regime. I became his full time carer for most of the last 2 years.

Although this was a difficult experience, I learned a lot from the nursing staff visiting every day and developed an interest in palliative care. A few years later I was in a position to start a palliative care program for remote outstation aboriginal clients, which I managed for a year before handing it over to the community.

A friend of mine lost his parents and 2 siblings at age 18, in a bus crash. After blowing the millions they left him on drugs, he did ok.

Death is perhaps the most interesting topic in life, and the one most studiously avoided.

[Newfie]

Steam,

My condolences. It is never easy.

[dbruning]

Sorry to hear about your sister.
My wife and I lost my brother-in-law this summer, it's never easy and isn't supposed to be, but it does get better.
Best wishes.

[Plantagenet]

My deepest condolences to you, Steam.

It may bring you solace to note that Ferretlover, in another thread, is reporting the birth of her first grandchild.

The circle of life continues on and on.

[Ibon]

My deepest condolences as well Steam. I am at the moment in a care giving role to my father who is not far from passing. I am doing this with the help of my siblings. It is deeply moving to move through this and it certainly does throw one out of worldly concerns and into a more selfless place.

[Pretorian]

A boy, a really beautiful blonde blue-eyed boy we knew died yesterday, he had his 5th birthday about a week ago. Inoperable cancer that didn't have any ( good ) perspective. . Even so in the last 2 years he had 30 or so surgeries, radiation, chemo, you name it. He got paralyzed due to complications over a year ago. I wonder at what point the doctors would say, no, we don't want millions from your insurance, he will die anyway, here some heroin, enjoy the time that is left.

And my condolences Steam! I lost my sister too, she died before I was even born.

[yeahbut]

Hi s_c, I'm very sad to hear of your loss, and my thoughts and best wishes go out to you.

I lost my sister many years ago when I was 16, she was 20. She was a beautiful, vibrant creative person who made some very silly decisions and paid with her life. Her death was a defining point for me, I was fundamentally altered by it, because I was so young I suppose. I have always tried to help and be honest and real with people going thru similar events, since then.

People respond very differently to being near someone who has lost a loved one; some are great, some are hopelessly insensitive, some simply can't cope with grief in others. You can never tell who will be helpful and who will be hopeless, and some people may really surprise you. I know for me I was amazed to discover that some friends who I thought would be great couldn't handle it, and some others who I under-rated were so open and fearless in their acceptance of the new, altered me.
I don't know why it takes courage to genuinely engage with a person in grief, but it does.

All deaths are different, and some have their own characteristics that can make them incredibly hard to deal with. In my sister's case it was her youth and the terrible out-of-the-blue suddeness of her death that made it so hard to grasp, especially for a 16 year old 'immortal' such as I was...
I can remember being almost admonished, a couple of years later, by a girlfriend who compared her mother's response to the passing of her mother(of old age) to me and my sister. Apparently, her mother had dealt with it in a very right-on fashion and 'moved on', and I ought to do the same...that relationship didn't last long I can tell you! The age of death does make a difference. At the end of the natural biological cycle is just naturally easier to assimilate. With a young person, you expected to share most of your lifespan together, and there is always a gap where that person would have been.

For you, your sister was young which is very hard, and her death was no fault of her own and is horribly unfair and 'unjust'. And also not an easy death. You got to say goodbye, which is a great gift, but also must be terribly difficult. I can only imagine. She sounds like a wonderful person, and the things she said to you must be comforting. But that doesn't change the hard fact that she isn't around anymore and you go on thru your life without her. Outcast searcher is right to say that the passage of time does ease this pain. It's strange to me that this is so, but it truly is.

I also found talking to strangers very helpful in the months after my sister's death. Other people who had been thru similar events, but who I didn't know. I'm not sure why this was, many reasons I guess. There is something freeing about the person you are talking to not having any expectations of you, and also of them really understanding what you are going thru. Quite soon after my sister's death, I started to get the feeling, rightly or wrongly, that people were looking at me for signs of whether I had 'got over it' yet. Talking with people I didn't know allowed me to express myself without this feeling. A really great therapist (just a wise old man really) helped a little too, for much the same reasons- compassion and insight without expectation or judgement. Also, talking to strangers meant that they would ask me what my sister was like- and I would get to tell them all about how amazing she was, which I loved, and found comforting.

A film I found comforting was called Fierce Grace. I saw this many years after the loss of my sister but nonetheless it touched me. It's about Ram Dass after he suffered a massive stroke, and despite my atheist scepticism I found it tremendously moving. It is essentially about loss, and the parts that deal directly with death are powerful indeed. If you ever watch it, you could fast forward thru the history/backstory if you need to, altho it is a pretty classic documentary of another time, too.

Strength to you,
all the best yb

[Quinny]

Despite all our differences there are some pretty decent people hang around here.

[SeaGypsy]

The way death is processed varies in different countries and cultures enormously, which as a cross culture marriage partner I find very intriguing. Also the way people with multiple cultural influences choose to hybridize the 'final aid', death and funeral rituals.

My dad, a hard core atheist, died chanting 'Hare Krsna', simply because a friend and work colleague who was among 16 people holding hands in his passing moment thought 'it would be nice'. I was out bush working, he had moved in with a girlfriend a few months beforehand. They had called every friend of mine they could and every police station in all my many home towns, trying to find me. The hospital had granted him 2 blood transfusions to buy some time, as he was bleeding internally. The day he died, my house burned to the ground. I packed up the family and went straight to my dad's house. He was gone. It was my then step- daughter's birthday and my now youngest daughter's birthday, born 10 years to the day after his passing. All quite strange. Years later, a hare krsna friend told me that my father had gone straight to 'Brahma Locah' by grace of having been 'immersed in the mantra' at the time of 'leaving his body'.

My wife is Filipina. She was raised by her maternal aunt, as a gift of replacement for 2 daughters lost in early childhood. Her identical twin was raised in her mother's house, so they grew up not really knowing they were twins until they were put into the same high school. She was at the time nursing her uncle, who had raised her as his daughter. Unable to make ends meet without his income, the families merged and the twins were re-united.

When a family member passes on in the Philippines, the custom is the family will put a tent/ awning and furniture out front for several days. If there is no space, they take up the road and make the traffic divert around them. A band is hired and plays until the last visitor dozes off or leaves. Food is served to all comers. Once the body is laid to rest the young ones round out the party with karaoke. The cemeteries are places to gather and commemorate, with shelter for a party. Halloween is an all weekend party for the souls of the dead. My family gathers under a massive date tree around a tiny slab of concrete covering the remains of the 2 young girls who never made it.

Death is a part of life. It is unfortunate that western culture's obsession with youth pushes the importance of the other end of life out of the picture to such an extent we mostly get along ignoring it.

[Cloud9]

This topic hurts too much. All I can do is walk around it and keep going.

[Ayoob]

One day I asked a psychologist I mistakenly admired what was the best book he ever read. Can you narrow it down a little for me, he said. No, I want the absolute best book you ever read. What is it?

Yalom's Existential Psychotherapy, he said.

I bought it soon thereafter and struggled to wade through the first third of it. Such bullshit. I couldn't believe I trusted this guy for a book recommendation. I liked the guy so I soldiered on through it. The first third was all this Freud crap. It's unbelievably stupid. How could this book redeem itself in any way?

Well, it got on to the section on death, mental illness, finality, and daily life after a diagnosis that the patient would imminently die. It suddenly got heavy. Very heavy. Children describing worms, bodies turned to wood, stinking rot, etc. I almost recoiled at the visceral descriptions of very deeply felt feelings. It was a lot to take in. If any of you have read a book by a certain guy named Chris who may or may not frequent this site, he has some things to say about how soldiers feel before they overrun an enemy position. They may shit their pants, vomit, cry, any of a number of totally inexcusable things that simply cannot be understood by people who have never laid their testicles out in front of a car's tires and listened to the whining of an engine that wants nothing other than to haul that car forward.

I swear to God I could see Chris yanking some poor fool up by his collar and slapping him across the face to man the fuck up. "Change your fucking pants and charge that hill! Right NOW!" And what can you do? He needs you to charge that hill, your pants are full of shit, and your buddies are all going to die if you lose. That is one hardcore decision to make, 'cause you're probably going to die in the next minute. If you make it, somebody might give you something shiny.

Extreme pain and possible death, coming RIGHT NOW. Win or die.

I'm not a soldier, never was. It's not win or die for me. The worst that's probably going to happen to me is I'll get my leg broken or my face ripped up. I've had that happen. Last week I tried to rally the troops regarding this one boulder-throwing patient who was promised something that totally wasn't going to happen. He started to get worked up and pace. Then he started working his arms and explaining himself in terms that were pretty unmistakable. He wanted satisfaction.

I took one good look at him and knew he had me. I needed help. I needed at least one other person. I could catch the lightning bolt, but I needed somebody. Anybody. A housekeeper could have wrapped the hem of her frock around his back arm and give me all the advantage I needed, but I couldn't do this dude without one more arm in it. I was fucked without something. Fortunately, I was staffed with two gay guys and a nice big amazon chick that night. Trying not to totally discount the gay guys I laid it out like a 12 and 6, rotating to his front, with me at the six. Whoever is in back just has to catch his back hand. That's it. Wrap and drop, the other just takes his ankles. We could "land Jet Li with three, I've never in my life seen it any other way. Bruce Lee would fall to this. All I need is backup. Come on, let's roll!" Nothing. Fucking air. The Amazon almost cried.

Well, what do you do then? I'm definitely the only one who's going to roll on this guy and he's going to drill me good and I'm going down.

As luck would have it, somebody found a loophole in things and wound up giving him what he wanted. It worked out for him, I didn't have to go out there, he didn't have to do anything to me, nobody wound up with problems. It was kind of fun to be on the phone with the receiving party. "Yeah, everything's fine. He just wants a bed. I heard you guys had a hard deadline for 5:PM and I'm not totally sure I can make that happen. If the van gets a flat or we buy some bad gas or something, I just want to make sure that if the van gets there at 5:30 that it's not going to be a problem. It's not, is it? OK, I hear you, late is late. We have six people making sure this discharge goes well. I want you to tell me that if this patient gets there eleven minutes late that you're not going to send him back. He's really into staying with you guys. You feeling me? Let's just be agreeable about this and make sure that everything goes smoothly, OK?"

As it happened, he got there before 5:PM and everything went smooth as a very well oiled bowel movement. Kersploosh.

So yeah, death. Death sucks. I'm totally not looking forward to it.