[onlooker]

Thought i would provide a little link to i guess help us all with talking and knowing about the you know what storm that is headed our way. It is a site that puts humor into The End of the World type of information. Mostly it deals with environmental collapse so that is why I put this post in this forum. http://apocadocs.com/

[efarmer]

I have a load of TEOTW jokes from the last time the world ended, would it be bad form to freshen those up and post them for all the newbs who missed them back then? And Pstarr is right about TEOTWAWKI for the new one coming, the last one was called TEINKYAG if I remember right, it stood for The End Is Near Kiss Your.....

Better not to repeat it, I always hate stuff that ends with goodbye.

[efarmer]

I was asked once that if I was somehow able to hear the mourners at my funeral when they looked into my casket, what I would most like to hear being said about me.

I finally decided on: "Son of a bitch, I think he's moving!"

[efarmer]

When TEOTWAWKI hits, are the North Koreans going a half hour sooner or later
that the rest of us?

Will they ask me if I am on Obamacare at the Gates of Heaven and if so,
is it true that I don't get a private room and can only stay 3 days max?

Do you think at some point everyone will know about TEOTWAWKI and I
won't be able to borrow any money, will probably starve to death, and miss
the damn thing?

Is it OK to preface a TEOTWAWKI joke with:
"Listen to this one, this one's gonna kill you!"

[onlooker]

I was asked once that if I was somehow able to hear the mourners at my funeral when they looked into my casket, what I would most like to hear being said about me.

I finally decided on: "Son of a bitch, I think he's moving!"

[dohboi]

Thanks for opening this thread. I think we really do need to (at least) occasionally lighten the mood around here. Some others may disagree, though...

[Hawkcreek]

I found a zombie joke:

Two zombies were walking threw the woods one day when they came across a fresh dead body. The big zombie told the smaller one "you start at the feet and I will start at the head and we will eat our way towards each other." The little zombie agreed and they began to eat

About 30 minutes in the little zombie looked up and said "Man this is great. I'm having a ball!" To which the big zombie said "slow down your eating too fast."

If you can't laugh at stuff like this, there's no hope for you.

[Keith_McClary]

When TEOTWAWKI hits, are the North Koreans going a half hour sooner or later
that the rest of us?

Assuming we are not in Newfoundland.

[onlooker]

Holy cow, these jokes are so funny, I never knew Death was so funny. haha
Here is a doctor joke:
Doctor: I am sorry you only have six months to live
Patient; (After a brief pause} Bursts out laughing
Doctor: (Puzzeled ) Asks patient why are you laughing?
Patient: Was just wondering from whom the creditors were going to collect the money I owe them.

[SeaGypsy]

Working in palliative care, that does happen. A bonus of dying statistically young but not by surprise- may as well max out a few credit cards!

[efarmer]

I am hoping I get about a months notice of TEOTWAWKI, so I can hang out with my ex.
At least the last four weeks will be the absolute longest ones of my entire life.

[efarmer]

The line was long at the Pearly Gates due to TEOTWAWKI hitting. A Doctor was walking around asking where the special area for the reception of physicians was located. When an angel told him he was just another soul in line, with no special status attached, he fumed and took a place in the huge line.
Suddenly a Doctor walked by in a white coat with his stethoscope around his neck and the angels at the gate parted and he walked right in to Heaven and sauntered away unhindered.

The Doctor in line, outraged, ran up to the gates and said:
"I just watched that other Doctor walk right in, I told you I was a Doctor, didn't I?"

An angel softly whispered in his ear:
"Shhhh, that was God, he just likes to play Doctor every once in awhile."

[onlooker]

I am hoping I get about a months notice of TEOTWAWKI, so I can hang out with my ex.
At least the last four weeks will be the absolute longest ones of my entire life.

[efarmer]

Every one will develop their own clues and signs that TEOTWAWKI is upon us. For me, it will be the day my kid calls and says they want to pay me back for all the money I advanced them and when I tell my girlfriend the wonderful news, she says:

" Who cares about money when they are so randy and they just can't wait to get efarmer out of his coveralls?"

The end will come with me fumbling with the buttons on my red long johns knowing that even with the promise of a job, Willy is going to die unemployed.

[onlooker]

Here is a few more:
How come the Mayans can predict everyone will die...
but when I do it I get kicked out of the cancer ward?
================================
Barack Obama, David Cameron and Bill Gates are called to a meeting by God about the future.

"I have given you the chance to help change the world and you have failed, tell your people the world will end in 2 weeks" God announced.

Barack Obama said, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is God exists but the bad news is we will die in 2 weeks".

David Cameron said, "I have bad news and really bad news, the bad news is God is angry and the really bad news is he will destroy us in 2 weeks"

Bill Gates said, "I have good news and great news, the good news is that God thinks I am one of the most powerful men in the world, the great news is we don't have to fix the new windows bug"
===============
Scientists have finally discovered why the World didn't end last December.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had nothing to ride on thanks to the UK's Beef Industry.

[Keith_McClary]

How come the Mayans can predict everyone will die...
but when I do it I get kicked out of the cancer ward?

But they love the kitty of doom:
Cat predicts 50 deaths in RI nursing home

Far from recoiling from Oscar's presence, now they know its significance, relatives and friends of patients have been comforted and sometimes praised the cat in newspaper death notices and eulogies, said Dr Dosa.
"People were actually taking great comfort in this idea, that this animal was there and might be there when their loved ones eventually pass. He was there when they couldn't be," he said.

[efarmer]

I like hanging out with my Grandson. He asked me recently if I knew how to make animal noises,
and I assured him I had a vast repertoire of them but could not do all of them. He asked if I could do
a simple one like a toad. "Croak, Croak" I blurted out, only to find him jumping up and down and pumping his fist in the air with a huge grin on his face. I asked him if my toad sound was really that good and he said:

"Mom said once you croak we are getting a new car and going to Disneyland."